Numb
by KBecks87
Summary: Post 4.04 (A Lie Guarded). Bellamy is forced to march back to Arkadia with the belief that his sister is dead. Bellark if you squint. One-Shot.


Spoilers: 4.04 (A Lie Guarded) and everything that comes before it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you'd want. Written quickly with no Beta – all mistakes are mine.  
Summary: Post 4.04 (A Lie Guarded). Bellamy is forced to march back to Arkadia with the belief that his sister is dead. One-Shot.

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About half way to Arkadia, Bellamy's sobs quiet and his face transforms from open grief into something more stoic. There's still sadness, just behind his eyes, and a hitch in his breath that just barley masks more cries as they bubble up in his throat, but he wears it just below the surface now. Kane keeps trying to talk to him, turning his head to mumble platitudes about how much Octavia loved him and how impressive their bond was while they're pushed along. Bellamy bites something out about how Kane had floated his mother for creating that bond then slowed his pace a little so he'd fall a few steps behind Kane. Kane whispered an apology that Bellamy just barley hears, but didn't try to match his pace, giving the younger man what solitude he could.

Bellamy knew that wasn't fair, that they'd come so far from that reality in the short time they'd shared the Earth. But in that moment, he couldn't bring himself to care about his harshness. The longer they walked, the more numb he felt; Octavia had been his whole reason for being on Earth, and if she wasn't anymore…

Echo tries to talk to him a total of three times on the walk. Once while he's openly sobbing, she walks next to him, explaining that she hadn't been there to kill his sister, but she wouldn't come with her. She tells him, again, that Octavia had a good death – a warrior's death, and he spits in her face. It's after that he starts to get a handle on his erratic breathing. They've stopped to drink from a stream the second time, she kneels next to him and whispers an "I'm sorry that she's dead" and he holds eye contact for a moment before he throws up. The last time is after his steps have fallen out of sync with Kane's. She waits a moment, then jogs up to meet him, falling into step beside him, she opens her mouth to speak but he does instead, "I should have let the Mountain Men bleed you" he says then speeds up his pace so his footfalls keep him ahead of Echo and behind Kane.

Roan is the only one not to try to talk to him about his sister. Bellamy's not sure if it's due to ambivalence or an actual respect for his desire to not talk about it, but it doesn't much matter and he's grateful either way. They stop some ways out of camp and the King pushes him and Kane to their knees, tying their bound hands to their bound feet and covering their heads with bags. He can't even bring himself to care.

He cares about The 100, what's left of them, and he cares about the camp. But he doesn't care about any of that half as much as he cares about Octavia. He couldn't keep her safe, even though it was what he spent half of his time focused on. He finds himself thinking that the camp would be fine, if this was where his story ended.

He hears leaves crunching in the distance and the footfalls come to stop a distance from where he and Kane are on the ground; close enough that they can hear, but far enough that he imagines they can't be seen. He hears Roan's voice first, and it doesn't take him long to work out that he's talking to Clarke. He closes his eyes against a wave of nausea and sways a little before he balances himself, digging his knees into the dirt to steady his frame. She's can't die today, not her too, is all he can think

He hears movement again and all the sudden the dark bags covering his and Kane's heads are pulled off and dropped onto the dirt next to them. He shakes his head to get his bangs out of his eyes and blinks a few times to adjust to the light, but then his eyes find Clarke's easily. They've been in this situation far too many times. Her eyes blow wide with concern and dart back and forth between him and Roan a few times before she gets ahold of herself and swallows thickly, "what do you want for them?"

Roan laughs, eyes sweeping the situation, "Nothing I can't just take". He knows he's already won. Bellamy can hear shouting in the distance, maybe fighting, and wonders if the Ice Nation has already started taking the Ark. Clarke and Roan's voices mingle with the sounds, Echo interjecting every once and a while, and whether it's from lack of interest or an overload, he can't seem to focus in on any one thing. He glances at Kane out of the corner of his eye, but his attention is rapt on Clarke and Roan, so he figures he's the only one with this issue.

Bellamy blinks thickly before his eyes settle on Clarke, she looks scared (her eyes keep darting to him, even while she talking to (pleading with) Roan) but determined. Bellamy decides, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he doesn't care what else happens today so long at Clarke lives through it. She can't die on the same day as his sister, she just…can't. He can't fail to keep them both safe. He digs the toes of his shoes into the mud a little for leverage, and figures that if Roan lunges at her with the knife his hand is resting on, he could make it between them, give Clarke enough time to gain the advantage.

In the end, it doesn't matter, Clarke and Roan come to an agreement (he's giving them a week to leave, and if he comes back to find Skaikru on _his Ark_ they'll die on the spot, she'll tell him later) and Clarke watches Roan and Echo gather the Azgeda and leave before blowing out a deep breath and pulling a knife out of her shoe. She cuts the ties holding them (Bellamy's then Kane's) and stands in front of them. Kane stands, rubbing his raw wrists, but Bellamy doesn't move.

She's looking at Bellamy when she talks to Kane, "You should get to camp – make sure everyone is alright" she says. Kane starts to argue, Bellamy vaguely hers his name, "Go" Clarke whispers, moving her eyes from Bellamy to Kane. He is the Chancellor but she is in charge, so he nods, puts his hand on her arm for a moment in thanks, then dunks through the trees to make his way back to camp.

Clarke waits until she can't see Kane anymore to drop to her knees in front of Bellamy. Little puffs of dirt come up around her when she does and he watches at it all settles back down around her, the Earth moving to accommodate her presence. Now that she's okay, he feels numb again. Watching everything around him in a passive indifference. She reaches out and puts her hand on his cheek, forcing his eyes to meet hers, and he almost can't breathe. Her eyebrows crinkle in confusion, but she wraps her arms around him, het chin resting on his shoulder and her fingers splaying on his back.

He pulls in a deep breath, knows he has to say it fast or he won't be able to get it out at all. "Octavia's dead" he says and all the sudden it feels more real and more painful than it did before and he tangles his hands in the back of her shirt, like if he holds her close enough, she'll be able to hold him together.

"What?" She says, leaning back a little. He should be embarrassed by how his body tries to follow her for a half second, missing the warmth of her comfort. "No" she shakes her head. He nods, opens his mouth to tell her what Echo told him but she speaks before he can, "Bellamy, no, she's here."

"No. She can't. How?" It feels like it all falls from his mouth at once and his eyes dart all around, like something is going to come out of the trees. He wonders if Clarke's wrong, if she just thinks she saw Octavia recently, and he can't bear to give himself that kind of hope.

"She's hurt" Clarke says, pushing his hair back from his face and watching him for reaction, "But she's alive" She starts to stand, pulls his easily pliable body with her, "I was with her when the guards told me that Azgeda was here". His eyes start to focus more, and she slides her hand from his arm into his, her fingers folding around his before she tugs him forward. At first, he follows slowly, but as he begins to process her words he picks up speed, until he is pulling her along.

He bursts into Medical and looks around, his eyes don't find his sister, so he turns to looks at Clarke who moves in front of him and tilts her head so he'll follow her. She pulls a curtain out of their way, and on the other side, Octavia is lying on a cot. She's covered in blood that, gauging by the stitches covering her skin in competing patterns, has to be her own and bruises are already forming on her skin. But, he can see an even rise and fall of her chest, can hear her hitched breathing. He lets out a relived sob and drops Clarke's hand, he moves to the cot and just barley touches his fingertips to her arm, he's worried about hurting her, but he needs to make sure that she's real, that she's not an illusion his desperate mind created, so he puts a hand on the top of her head and kisses her forehead.

Octavia's eyes blink open, but she's groggy and on pain medication so it takes her a moment to focus in on Bellamy, "what's wrong, big brother?" she slurs when she finally does.

He lets out a choked laugh, "I was worried about you, little sister" he says in a near whisper, holding a lock of her hair in his hand.

"I'm okay. My horse saved me." She tells him, her words still slurring. He assumes that her drugged mind is playing tricks on her, so he just mumbles a 'yeah'. It doesn't matter though, because she's already fallen back to sleep.

Clarke grabs a chair and sets him behind him, he sits down, hand still on Octavia's arm and Clarke gets another seat, setting it down next to his and sitting close enough that their shoulders brush when they move. "I don't know exactly what happened" she whispers, "She came in on her horse, she was stabbed" Clarke points to a bloody mass of bandages on Octavia's stomach that must hide a puncture, "And she fell, I think, a distance".

"It was Echo" Bellamy breathes out, explains what happened and that the Azgeda believe his sister dead. Tells Clarke that he believed his sister had died, alone in a field. She squeezes her eyes shut and takes his free hand, plays with his fingers for a moment before holding his hand between both of hers. They just watch Octavia breath for a long moment, "Thank you…for saving her" he whispers.

Clarke smiles, shakes her head a moment and then sighs. There is a battle brewing, one that she doesn't think they can avoid any longer, but right at this moment, it feels like things will be okay. She drops her head to Bellamy's shoulder, smiles a little when his head rests gently on hers, thinks that they will get through this, together. They have a pretty good track record.

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